This isn’t really as severe as people here struggle with but ah well.
Congrats, you not only get regular sadness but also gay struggles and not the good kind!
Idk recently my self esteem has been flopping again, rapid belly flop, into the swimming pool of sadness. I have a very complicated relationship with my self image, and small things have been bothering me again recently.
I want to start by saying I do not think I’m ugly. I do like the way I look quite a lot of the time. I like looking at myself in the mirror when I put on an outfit I think is pretty. If I was the only person on earth, I wouldn’t have self esteem issues because there’s not much of my psychical features that bother me. But, I feel like I’m not good enough a lot of the time. A lot of girls my age wear makeup, and they look so beautiful in makeup. But I don’t use makeup. There’s many reasons as to why I dont. I find it hard to apply, and whenever I use mascara it ends up getting on my eyelids and I have to clean it up. Doing even more than just mascara would take me so long, and it would be frustrating. And it doesn’t feel personally worth it. I don’t want to see someone else in the mirror. I want to see myself. I feel like I’m being abnormal though. The person who gave me my train ticket yesterday thought I was younger than 16 because of being makeup free. A friend of mine (a new friend please don’t judge her) was shocked to hear I’m one of the oldest and not youngest.
Makeup isn’t the only thing though. I avoid all jewellery for sensory issues. Hair accessories too. My mum wanted to buy me a piece of jewellery for my 18th, but I don’t wear jewellery at all, because it makes me feel itchy and uncomfortable, I fiddle with it, I take it off and put it back on. I just cannot tolerate jewellery. I don’t like my hair. My hair is the main root of my self esteem issues. I suppose we all have at least one part of us that we wish was different, and mine is my hair. It gets frizzy and bushy, and because it’s straight it just makes me look odd. I tried cutting it, I have a fringe, I want to get it dyed. I’m doing all that I can do make me like my hair. But one thing I cant do with my hair is style it. And I genuinely mean I cant. I tend to fiddle with hair accessories sure, but my hair doesn’t like being styled. If I try, it either hurts my arms or head, or I get myself tangled. Whenever I try it just results in frustration. I want to be able to style my hair, just to make it look prettier. But it never works.
And then there’s the issue with the queer community. I feel a bit isolated, not gay enough. That’s so stupid isn’t it. I don’t wear all this heavy makeup and I haven’t got dyed hair… yet… I just look normal. And even in my own community’s eyes, normal just probably means straight. I want to blend in, but at the same time I don’t want to conform to my community’s own harmful stereotypes. I don’t want to blend in to being queer. I shouldn’t have to. My appearance has nothing to do with being queer. It’s so frustrating. I don’t feel pretty enough or gay enough for the people around me.
I wish things were just easier for me. I mean physically easier. I wish I wasn’t so useless at doing practical things like applying mascara or giving myself hair styles. I wish I didn’t get so frustrated when things go wrong, so that I can just practice until I can do these things. I wish I could just feel better. I see girls who I think are so pretty, and I want to be like them. But it feels so un-achievable. And it makes no sense… I think I’m pretty so why does it matter so much. Maybe it’s because I’ve been told I could be even prettier. I want to style my hair for myself, as I think it would make me prettier. But makeup? Makeup is uncomfortable, hard to apply and then changes my face. The girls I see with so much makeup don’t actually look like that. I don’t want to see myself with makeup because that person wouldn’t be me…
God this is a mess thanks for listening to my extremely awkward and nonsensical self image issues. This post still doesn’t feel like it’s representing the mess going on in my head. There’s just so many layers LMAO