TW: Eating Disorder
You don't have to reply if you don't want to. I just needed a place to rant.
So I had to go to the doctors a couple of days ago for a regular check up. Of course they took my weight and my doctor was all over me. She didn't like how underweight I was and started to interrogate me about my eating habits. I just fucking lied to her face when she asked about how much and what I ate. Then she made me schedule an appointment to come back in a month to get weighed again.
I just wanted to yell in her face 'Hey I have an ED, back the fuck off. I'm an adult I can do what I want'. But of course I didn't do that and made the appointment. I'm gonna have to water load and put heavy shit in my pockets to bring my weight up, cause I have no intention of gaining.
And then my mom found out because I was given a paper that showed my weight and she asked about it. So I had to tell her my weight. Luckily when they weighed me I was wearing very heavy clothing, so I was 3 or so lbs heavier than usual. Kinda weird they didn't subtract for clothing. So I told my mom my weight and she freaked out, even tho that's like 5 lbs heavier than my lowest weight lol. My parent's hadn't been on my ass about this the entire time, and now my doctor fucked it up. I know it's technically my fault for being underweight in the first place, but my irrational ED brain won't accept that. Luckily my parents really haven't been monitoring me at all since, so it's ok.
I'm still trying to meet my goal and I'm getting better at stopping myself from snacking after meals.
I kinda had a shock the other day when I was at my dance class. If you don't know, dance studios typically have 1 wall that is just a huge mirror, so you can see yourself dance. When I was still a kid and dancing I tended to be one of the taller dancers. There was someone who was always skinnier than I. In my dance class are high schoolers that I knew before they entered puberty. Now they all are my height or taller, and have 'womanly' bodies. I looked in the mirror and noticed I was the smallest. It made me really fucking happy. And when I was dancing I noticed how much slimmer my limbs had gotten. My mirror at home kinda sucks. We were doing this one thing were our hands were on our waists and I realized how much smaller and flatter it was compared to when I was actively dancing. I fucking loved it. Loved how skinny I looked. How it made me looks so graceful. Usually I think I look like a plucked chicken. I could feel more bones as I did floor work. And I was so excited this morning to see bruises in places I tend not to get them. I basically lost my outer layer of fat that protected me from those kinds of bruises. Jeez I sound horrible. People who want to lose weight unhealthily, don't listen to me!
Anyways, I kinda needed to rant all this out. Hopefully by the next time I decide to post in here I will be at my goal weight!
