Rant time. Feel free to ignore me haha.
I was going to make this as a profile post but it would be too long. So here I am.
So last night, I finally decided to tell my parents I think I needed professional help again because the last month or so I haven’t been myself and have been feeling very suicidal and attempted a few times.
It took a lot for me to open up to them, because I usually don’t talk to my parents about this stuff because it always ends up the way it did last night. Here’s how our convo went:
Me: So I think I need to see a therapist again or, maybe go spend some time at Talifario(the mental hospital here where I live), because for the last month or so, I haven’t felt safe with myself. I have also tried to kill myself a couple of times...
My mom: *sighs heavily and rolls her eyes* You just need to lose weight. If you weren’t so heavy, you would be happy. And stop trying to act like a fucking teenager. You’re 30 fucking years old, fucking act like it and stop setting a bad example for your kids.
At this point, I am getting irritated and I made eye contact with my dad and he gave me that “just breathe, don’t get mad” look.
Me: Yes, I was happy when I was skinny before...but I was also on meds and they helped some...I’m not acting like a child, I am saying I need help, plus haven’t you been telling me I need help? Every time we get into an argument, the first thing you say is I “need to seek professional help” and here I am, agreeing.
MM: You don’t need help. You’re just trying to get out of taking care of your kids, by getting yourself locked up. Plus, they wouldn’t even take you because they wouldn’t believe the lies you tell. You just need to lose weight and stop sitting on your ass all day.
Me: Omg. Why is everything about my weight? I can’t lose weight when you keep bringing junk food in the house!
MM: You’re the one who buys it.
Me: I FUCKING DON’T. I tell you every goddamn time we go to the store, I’m not buying junk food for the kids, and what do you do? YOU PUT THREE FUCKING BIG BOXES OF BROWNIES IN MY CART BECAUSE RYLAN(my son)NEEDS THEM FOR SCHOOL.
At this point, my mom is calling me an ungrateful child, etc. My dad starts getting on me for “cursing” at my mother. By this time, I am having a full blown panic attack and crying.
“Stop acting like a child. You need to act like your age, lose weight, get a job, get yourself a man, and get on with your life, you’re already ruining your kid’s lives.” My mom says to me.
By this time, I was done. I got up and looked at them. “Fine, I won’t get help. I hope when I eventually die, whether it’s by *******, my eating disorder or something else, I hope you are happy, you want me to lose weight? Fine, don’t cook for me anymore but don’t scream at me when I’m sitting at the dinner table having a panic attack over food. I’m fucking done.”
And today she has been acting all nice to me, as if nothing happened last night. So. I’m done. I won’t get help. I’ll just keep going down the road I am going. I’ll die eventually, I don’t care.
(ok btw i tried staying calm, but i ended up getting angry at your parents cause i've been through/am going through the exact same, and nobody deserves that smh)
i'm sorry i couldn't get to you sooner.
your happiness isn't always about your looks. there are so many people who're like "yeah i feel like i look good, so i look good" and are still so so sad, still suicidal. as long as you're healthy, your weight isn't a problem.
are you able to set yourself up, with a therapist? or send yourself to talifario? if not, i'd try maybe some online therapies, group counceling(?), or hotlines, such as eating disorder, *******, lgbtq, self-harm, poc, etc. i have a whole list of resources i am 1000000% happy to hand over to you.
i really, really don't want you to hurt yourself. you're trying your best, and your parents need to recognize that. they need to recognize that you literally tried
harming yourself, to take away all the pain you're carrying. it's not fucking fair you have to be treated poorly cause you're struggling. you're not just some fuckin, i dunno, shoe print in the mud. you're a person. an amazing one, in fact. literally asking for help is one of
the most mature things a person can do. it take so, so much guts to say, "hey, i'm struggling really bad, can i get help?"
please, please don't be afraid to dm me. please. if you need help, i am willing to help you. yeah, my advice sucks ass and i'm not good at giving it, but i try my best. of course you don't have to, but i just want to remind you, i am here. everyone is here. i'm sure nobody would mind helping you, especially if it comes to your life.
i don't know if i'm any help, but hey, ilysm, twinnie.
I feel that