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naya_starxx

naya_starxx

Kpop Rookie
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𝖗𝖊𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖆 𝖓𝖊𝖜 𝖋𝖝𝖝𝖐𝖎𝖓’ 𝖌𝖔𝖉
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Wumuti
Well umm i have been losing friends nowadays more than before and on summer me and my friend started to talk less and see each other less too.. and first I thought that I will get through it and it will be easy to let go. We had kind of weird relationship like I didn't know what we were, it felt like we were dating but at the same time friends (it's hard to explain :c) but first weeks went kinda well but when the time became longer I started missing her more and more.. and I have kinda gotten now a problem that I'm scared to lose people and I cannot just let go, bc every time I hear any song that reminds me of them or something that gets them in my mind I burst into tears and I cannot control it anymore.. somedays I can just go through the day without thinking about them but sometimes they're the only thing I think about. And the hard part here is that I know that I'm probably the reason why we dont talk anymore.. and they prolly hate me so much rn.
(They=the person/friend I'm talking about)
It kinda feels refreshing when I wrote lil bit about this c: but yeaa..
 
𝕮✮𝖗𝖙𝖎𝖋𝖎✮𝖉 𝖑𝖔𝖘✮𝖗

𝕮✮𝖗𝖙𝖎𝖋𝖎✮𝖉 𝖑𝖔𝖘✮𝖗

𝐅𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥
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Jun 5, 2024
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Rule the World
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Black Heart
Black Converse Shoes
ion know how i feel abt shit no more. i'm honestly grateful with whatever's happening irl for me. like this place isn't exactly like coming back home for me anymore. it's more like idk i'm unwanted or sum. i'm prolly over reacting or sum but it get's to a point. i'm distant with all my friends and ig it's js not fair on them or myself. i'm not trying to distance myself or anything but no matter how happy i am irl there's always gonna be shit happening that i need to focus on. like i've been on here for a year and a half now and i'm glad i was. i have no regrets in joining this place but this ain't the same no more. i miss my old fg and no i'm not saying the fg i'm currently in which even then i'm distant from is bad or anything. i love talking to them and all but with schl holidays and all sorts of procedures and shit going on in my life i can't focus on to many things. i'm not as strong as ppl really think and tbh ion think anyone really thinks i'm that strong. i'm weak and pathetic tbh. like yeah i'm happy with wtv in my life rn but there's still the same shit going through my head 24/7. the same shit i'm trying to forget and get past. it's not easy and i know no one's saying it's easy. there's ppl on here going through much worse than i am but idek how i feel anymore. after meeting HIM. my entire brain's shut down on logics and everything. i js feel like a blank canvas with nothing on it. i js feel like an empty shell. i know whatever i'm saying sounds hypocritical to the first sentence but i'm not trying to prove anything to anyone or make others understand. i'm writing things the way i want to write and understand for myself. this isn't about others and some times i want attention and care too. js bc i'm the oldest kid in the family or sum mature person in the fg (irl) doesn't mean i have emotions or shit going on in my life. i don't always want things to be about me but i was ppl to understand there is more behind that strong facade on believe i put on. i feel guilty when i'm happy for once. i'm repeating the same things i've said b4 but it's the same things that's affecting me. it's an on and off pattern i apparently get rid off for myself. it's so fucking annoying. i don't like being weak or pathetic or anything like that. i don't even like sharing anymore but sometimes i js got to. but then when i do it's always comments like "it's not even that bad" or "girl i've gone through worse" or sum shit like that. idc at that moment if you've gone through worse. like yeah ok u went through shit but this time it's abt me. u chose to listen and decided that it was ok for me to rant but then you don't have the right to decide if what i'm going through is worse or wtv. i don't need heaps of attention or pampering. i js want to know ppl still care enough to listen or make time for me. i get it i can be a bitchh sometimes or sum stupid idiot but i'm still a child. i'm not that capable yet. i think i've gone through enough but it's not the same for everyone else. i get it. everyone's life is different and idk better or worse. but what i went through is my experience. my traumas aren't for someone to jeer at or ignore. i js want to be heard for once. i don't want to feel like i'm talking to a wall or something. idc if all u want me to do is listen to ur problems. i'll do that. that's the type of person i am, or at least what i try to be. but in exchange all i'm asking for is to show that u care, or that you'll have my back js like i have urs. that ur willing to be there for me through thick and thin. i've had enough of ppl talking shit abt me behind my back and doing the one thing i ask them not to do. it's no that hard and if u have issues u should js say it to my face instead of being a damn pussy and saying it behind my back. u do that and then expect me to js forgive u. like no i don't have to. usually even if it takes a while i take the time to accept the apology, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i want to close or be friends with u in general. if u can't care abt my basic needs when it comes to friendship or wtv type of relationship it is then why are u bothering to waste ur bloody time on me. unless u genuinely care which for 1 u don't then why. am i really wishing or hoping for something that's impossible to come true. it prolly is if it seriously is that hard to js do. i'm done with dealing with other ppl's problems but then having to sort out my own afterwards. like i need ur support and help too. but no everytime i let u in u decide to hurt me again. i'm so fucking done with overthinking every damn decision i make. for every damn moment of help i need. i'm done with regretting for asking for help. i have every right to ask for help but no bc of so many damn ppl in my bloody life they had to ruin it and make me worry abt every single damn thing i do. eating or talking or wtv i do. i need a break frm my life. i'm grateful and happy for what i have in life and the postive things happening in my life. the events in my life are more positive but that doesn't necessarily mean my heads settling down as well. and even if u knew u wouldn't care either. the things i used to enjoy doing, i don't feel the same abt it anymore. i'm js not interested. even when i log onto here i'm js way to tired to even bother. sure i'm hyper at times even tho i don't seem like it. i js need a distraction. this website was like coming home for me. like ppl actually wanted me around. idek if i feel the same way abt here anymore. ppl can function perfectly well without me it honestly seems like i'm forgotten half the time. i mean that makes sense i'm not as online anymore but then again this is online, it's not that big of a deal. for me it is, ion wanna lose my friends. yes i'm partly the reason for that bc of my being offline most of the time and yk. getting forgotten online is such a normal thing for me now idk anymore. but that doesn't mean i mind being forgotten irl. i'm so lost. like what did i do wrong to u for u to all out cut me out. so js bc i'm friends with my bsf u have issues. by u i mean yallz. the entire fg (irl) wants to hate him. to bad. that's their problem. but that doesn't mean i have to change who i'm friends with. if it was that hard for yallz to be friends with me while i'm friends with him, what was the whole point of becoming friends with me in the first place. everyone knew i was friends with him b4 i became friends with everyone else in that bloody fg. he was the one that was there and the moment he couldn't everyone wanted me to cut him out. what did he do to everyone. i don't get it and i don't want to either. yallz egoistic problems isn't something i want to worry abt. BUT NO. u js had to rant abt random batshit that makes no sense to get me to stop being friends with him. now i'm honestly confused why ur the unofficial leader of the fg when all u are is a manipulative indecisive toxic, double faced bitchh. i've said that to ur face b4 and u said nothing other than that you'll change and become better but U FUCKING DIDN'T. everyones done with it even tho they don't say anything. i don't get their problem with my bsf who's been the fg for over a year. drama pisses me off but when i have to mediate it pisses me off even more. like if it's sum serious or involves smth so stupid that makes NO DAMN SENSE then why did it become so huge. he's not annoying anyone else. and no u involve me and make me seem like the issue. i have my own things i'm dealing with so i don't get why u involve me. it's not that BIG OF A FUCKING DEAL. everyone knows u lie. i js don't get why no one calls u out. is it bc of u and ur big fat fake crocodile tears u use for attention. idk anymore. nothing is working anymore and i am so done with life. and now half of this makes no sense. i make no sense
 
star.is.here

star.is.here

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"Positive, stay positive, keep breathing" - JH
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Off The Beat
I truly don't understand how people can do full time, 9 to 5, I honestly admire and respect those people so much. I am so tired even with the hours we had to cut back due to personal reasons. I know I'm strong enough to push through it, but I didn't think it would take me that long to get used to. But I did have enough energy for a very short workout which was nice. I won't let myself stop, nothing is making me stop, I will work for these VIP concert tickets myself haha. (Still hoping MONSTA X reveals Canadian dates, and Wonho will return. I really badly want to see I.M and Woodz to!). I'm so unsure if I will ever see the other X1 members in concert without traveling though tbh

However with that said, I am really looking forward to May, especially going to Canmore, I'm seeing a long time friend of mine (not the previous one, someone else), and she's such a kind human, I'm so excited to meet her cat Soph to, she is so adorable. While after therapy my Mum and I are spending a couple days together to.

I wish May could come sooner.
 
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