I have a fear of being emotionally alone. In general, I select my friends and the people around me very carefully and tend to push away people who I think are bad influences. It has recently only got worse as I transfered to a new school. I find myself pushing everyone around me away, leaving me alone. Iโm afraid of having no one to talk to, to rely on, to trust. Going to school everyday is already a lot of work because I know that it will be the same as all days, work, eat, sleep.
In friendships, Iโm constantly worrying about what the person thinks of me and if something I said wrong caused them to dislike me. Everything I say, I repeat several times to myself after said if there is a brief pause in what the person is saying. Any time they donโt come to me immediately after seeing me I think that they are unhappy with me. I hate this. I wish I was just oblivious to this all.
Iโm very afraid of not being good enough. I grew up in a privileged household with parents who worked from the bottom to the top. Iโve been taught that I need to be diligent, hardworking, and exceptional. Otherwise, I wonโt get anywhere in life. Whenever I get a score below A, I panic and realize that I havenโt been doing enough in the subject. That I need to work harder and study more. If my parents tell me that I really need to start studying more because my classmates will eventually catch up and I will no longer have an advantage, i panic. My whole life I have always been โthe smart kidโ. If Iโm no longer able to hold that title, that just means that Iโm not good enough anymore. Whenever I hear of someone who did not go to a prestigious college and graduate school after that, I automatically think badly of them. I donโt want to be at the bottom. I canโt be at the bottom, I need to be good enough to lead a life just as good as the one provided for me, if not better.