❥--[Mental Health Support Space]

[glosta]

I truly wonder why people want to befriend me. I am, and always have been that one kid who gets perfect scores when no one else does. The one who gets away with treating teachers quite rudely because of my connections. The one who wins the competitions, gets into elite private schools, has most of the teachers on my side at all times, the one that I myself would despise. It's curious though, how after all of this, the impressive things I have achieved, the ones that boost my pride and confidence to a near narcissistic degree, do people still acknowledge me as a friend.

Constantly, I project my beliefs and expectations onto others. I am rude, unapologetic, and cold. Yet why do people still chase after me? Entertainment? Truly the desire to accompany me? Or the hope that my parents and connections will help them go places.
After years of shutting out society and the pure intentions of people who simply wanted to help, I have built up a wall. Invulnerable to the words of others, I push people away. Though I crave the affirmation of others, to be embraced happily as a kind, intelligent person, I am simply unable to bring myself to that point. When I'm too close to spilling my thoughts or things I feel would cause me to be safer if I didn't share, I automatically shut down. I don't believe in the good of people and anything kind done to me I immediately associate with bad intentions.

Even with this, people still care? I have pondered this question so many times. Only to find that people come looking for me when they need an emotional support ragdoll, feel lonely and have no one else (meaning I'm their last resort), and/or need my help academically. But then there are people who truly care. People I don't acknowledge.

Sometimes I wonder if I started to cry in public, or showed an evident sign of weakness to those who may harm me with it. What would they do? What would they think of me? What would I think of myself?

People say I'm very stiff, serious, cold, and tense. Is it the fact that I don't deny any of the things they accuse me of but instead go along with it in the most unhumorous way possible? Or is it because I simply don't interact with people often and have teachers complimenting my every answer? Maybe because I don't talk about anything other than my achievements in both academics and other skills and hobbies. But isn't that just me carefully selecting the point in which I have the spotlight? Taking pride in my expensive education and hobbies?


Sorry, just some thoughts.

no matter how rude, disrespectful, and unapolgetic you say you may be, there will always be someone that cares about you.
even if you don't think they should, or that they dont care at all, i promise you, there will always be someone.

 

[Juju~]

its getting bad again, bad to the point where things that comfort me, make me cry, I'm tired of everyone seeing me as the happy cheerful friend. i'm so fucking tired. let me be sad for once. I have horrible grades. nor do I have my phone my friends are so uncomfortable around me. i'm starting to like my best friend.. my dreams of being a kpop idol are going away cause why should I? its never gonna happen. who would want a black girl in their kpop group. nobody. I can't even sing. i'm a ugly fat girl who has high standards that won't be met. no asian guy will come and fall in love with me. I'll never meet my favorite kpop idols. i'm too dumb. i don't have a job. i'm nothing thx for reading

 

[ITSJUST_👹✨VEGAS✨👹]

YAY SOMETHING FOR ME TO DO! I hate myself. I don’t know why. I don’t even remember what happiness looks like anymore. When I try to ask for help, it’s tooken as if I am just doing it for attention. Which makes everything worse. When I come home from school, I fell like dying. But the crazy thing is… I’m afraid of death. What do I do. My mom is dead. I don’t know we’re my dad is ether. I haven’t seen my other 4 siblings for 2 years. I live with my grandmother. Which is like living with a person who wants to somewhat control you. Wtf will I do with my life. I’m considering not giving a shit anymore. Cause at this point no one cares. Why should I?

 

[Juju~]

YAY SOMETHING FOR ME TO DO! I hate myself. I don’t know why. I don’t even remember what happiness looks like anymore. When I try to ask for help, it’s tooken as if I am just doing it for attention. Which makes everything worse. When I come home from school, I fell like dying. But the crazy thing is… I’m afraid of death. What do I do. My mom is dead. I don’t know we’re my dad is ether. I haven’t seen my other 4 siblings for 2 years. I live with my grandmother. Which is like living with a person who wants to somewhat control you. Wtf will I do with my life. I’m considering not giving a shit anymore. Cause at this point no one cares. Why should I?

I care.. I rlly do- I just can't do shit- i'm sorry---

 

[Juju~]

I care.. I rlly do- I just can't do shit- i'm sorry---

U can always talk to me tho. Love you <3333

 

[ITSJUST_👹✨VEGAS✨👹]

U can always talk to me tho. Love you <3333

Thank you. Ilyt

 

[Juju~]

Thank you. Ilyt

^-^

 

[ITSJUST_👹✨VEGAS✨👹]

its getting bad again, bad to the point where things that comfort me, make me cry, I'm tired of everyone seeing me as the happy cheerful friend. i'm so fucking tired. let me be sad for once. I have horrible grades. nor do I have my phone my friends are so uncomfortable around me. i'm starting to like my best friend.. my dreams of being a kpop idol are going away cause why should I? its never gonna happen. who would want a black girl in their kpop group. nobody. I can't even sing. i'm a ugly fat girl who has high standards that won't be met. no asian guy will come and fall in love with me. I'll never meet my favorite kpop idols. i'm too dumb. i don't have a job. i'm nothing thx for reading

I’m not uncomfortable around you. I fell very normal around you. I can actually like girls around you

 

[Juju~]

I’m not uncomfortable around you. I fell very normal around you. I can actually like girls around you

I mean irl-

 

[ITSJUST_👹✨VEGAS✨👹]

I mean irl-

Oh-

 

[Juju~]

Oh-

yeah lol

 

[ur.local.dino]

i feel so alone rn
but it doesn’t matter, they will talk to me when their bored and don’t have anything else to do
bc all i am to them is the last option
how enjoyable

 

[ur.local.dino]

found one of the scars again
i never intended to even do it. he scared me, he still scares me. i don’t feel safe, but why does it even matter? no one’s gonna help me get out.
tbh one more couldn’t hurt.

 

[ITSJUST_👹✨VEGAS✨👹]

Ima do another one bc I need to.
I’ve always thought, “ could I be an idol? “ the answer. No. Why? Who would take an black girl for an idol Korea can be a very racist country. I’m not saying that other people aren’t because the are. The amount of hate I would get would be overwhelming. I’d probably end up d£@d on the floor 4 months after debut. Plus, I eat ALOT so I could never be 50 pounds. We would probably disband anyway because my group wouldn’t bring in enough money. If I debut as a soloist I have to write lyrics. I can’t write lyrics! Ima need someone to help me write the lyrics because I will not allow someone to do it for me. Just try and help me write them, and then I’ll have a song. But even with the hate from being a soloist would still make me regret ALOT! I really want to do this for my mom. I promised her that I would be an idol. I don’t want to break that promise. But my grandmother won’t let me leave this country, let alone this state at age 18. I get it though. Some part says to stay, but also leave. I don’t want to upset them. Me and my best friend are planning on leaving to go to Korea TOGETHER, we plan on staying in a dorm or apartment TOGETHER, we said that we would attempt to become idols TOGETHER! I don’t want to break that promise ether. What do I do. Should I leave. I have a little sister. What would she do if she grew up with no sister. I don’t want her to go threw what I went through. I want the best for her. I want to make her proud. But I want to make everyone proud. I just don’t know how.

 

[1fool4you]

im so done with life.
everyday seems like it repeats itself.
most days i feel numb.
i get stressed and have headaches over little things.
everything i seem to do is wrong.
all my parents do is make fun of me and yell at me.
i honestly just want to end it all.

 

[vivianna]

Sometimes I wonder. Is loneliness the price that must be paid to be at the top? In this glorious life of luxury, what is not provided for me? How can I, who has everything end up like this? What more could I ask without appearing undiligent, and greedy? How do people live like this?

This site is just another place for me to express my desire for attention, validation, and social interaction. Feats I’m incapable of achieving in reality. My whole life, I’ve been “the smart kid”. Perfect grades, perfect family, perfect life. I realize, one cannot have all the luxuries of the world. If I suddenly disappear, would people care? My rude, entitled personality, Would they miss it?

When was the turning point? When did I start to realize this? Was it my sky-high expectations for this elite school? Things that led me to realize my own flaws, gain too much confidence and lose it just as quickly? No doubt I live much more freely, but yet to break free from the prospect of a self induced solitary confinement. My desires resisting this empty room while my life ticks away like a bomb, waiting to explode.

I miss them. Those oblivious days of happiness. When my life circulated not only academics, but friends and hobbies. When I didn't find it necessary to seek asylums in the depths of useless internet surfing where I only became more useless.

 

[ur.local.dino]

TW: abuse?, su1c1dal thoughts, etc

i hate that my parents are so controlling.
i hate that i dont know anything abt my dad, he’s MY dad.
i hate that my mom covers up not letting me know with saying that he’s abusive.
i hate that she still judges him for the mistakes he made over 12 yrs ago.
i hate that she doesn’t talk to him and assumes he hasn’t changed.
i hate that my mom is married to someone who makes me uncomfortable and doesn’t even tell him to change his ways.
i hate that i feel trapped and forced into a “perfect” persons life.
i hate that he says he yells at me bc i’m not perfect enough.
i hate that he yells and curses at me and my SEVEN YR OLD brother.
i hate that he knows i’m sensitive around yelling and he doesn’t stop.
i hate that he doesn’t take the time to listen to my problems, saying that it could be worse.
i hate that i have to go to school and try not to cry, knowing that no one will specifically help MY needs.
i hate that i’m a slow learner.
i hate that i have learning disabilities and no one does a single thing abt it.
i hate that they say i’m included in everything, and yet not included in anything.
i hate that i can’t be perfect enough.

i have grown up in a household where i am told that i should be grateful for the money my parents have, and i am. but that comes with being told that i can’t be mentally ill, why? bc i’m in a middle class household. i’ve had cps come before, due to my mom having alcoholism. now i have a risk of having it when i’m an adult. now i have the pressure of “don’t drink, you will have alcoholism and wreck your family.” well what did my mom do? and what did me STEP dad do to help me and my siblings during that time when she was gone? how did he help me in any way when i was on the edge, about to kms? nothing. i struggled so hard. the school counselor became my best friend. she was the one who had cps come over. what did my dad do when he heard that? he said, “clean your rooms and the entire house. i don’t want to get in trouble.” so essentially, put on a mask that states that i’m ok and fine when i’m actually not. i’m struggling to even survive. they don’t realize, but i’ve had suicidal thoughts since i was about 7 years old. it all started from my neighbor bullying me, funny right? a kid who’s not much older than me made me want to kms. how pathetic of me. i’ve never been mentally strong. i need extra help, where is it? helping other ppl. i just want someone to be there for me. i’ve been told to kms by my BEST FRIEND. i still struggle with anxiety and depression. it’s never gone away, i just learned how to hide it. i hate when i have to tell ppl abt my family situation, but i can’t hold it in any longer. even a hug would help, but when was the last time i was given a genuine hug from someone who actually understands? there is so much more i could go on abt, but then i would only be making it worse for others. i’ve gotten to a point where i just don’t care abt others feelings. where did my empathy go? it left, it sprinted away when others had no empathy for me. in short, i’ve gone through to much to care abt others feelings. i’m tired of being a therapist, bc i have my own problems that i’ve been drowning in for the past 5 yrs.

 

[ITSJUST_👹✨VEGAS✨👹]

I hope I had a past life better then this. What did I do. Am I really a disappointment? Yes. I am. I fucked up my own family. Now my moms dead and I’m fatherless. What a life to live. I wanna lose weight. But I Stress eat too much. I don’t want to care. I wanna walk out and never come back. But… I have no we’re else to go. I’m a fucking mess and nothing can fix it. Will I every even get to be an idol? Or will they reject me? I’m black. Ofc there gonna reject me! Because who wouldn’t.

Something is telling me to just do it. But I’m scared. I scared of losing what I already have to what I really want. That can’t happen. Because there all I have. What else is there? Who will love me. My family does but it fells like they don’t. I have a little sister. She’s crazy, but I love her. She needs me. She will be really young if I move Korea. We wouldn’t see each other much. That’s depressing. And I don’t want her depressed. So what do I do.

I think I’ll just give up. It’s not worth it. Ever.

 

[rumisramyeon]

im so done with life rn, it's not even funny
everyone's done with me, but i haven't done anything wrong
ppl just like to judge
and even my parents are joining in on the hate
i have no where else safe to go

 

[Rengya_Utoma]

im so done with life rn, it's not even funny
everyone's done with me, but i haven't done anything wrong
ppl just like to judge
and even my parents are joining in on the hate
i have no where else safe to go

same tbh. I feel the exact same rn. I've just given up atp. They said they might have to put me in a mental facility again.